nettime's_roving_reader on Wed, 16 Mar 2005 06:59:17 +0100 (CET)

[Date Prev] [Date Next] [Thread Prev] [Thread Next] [Date Index] [Thread Index]

<nettime> Slacktivist: So this gorilla walks into a bar...

< >

Mar 13, 2005


   Our Text:

   So this gorilla walks into a bar. The gorilla slaps a $10 bill on the
   counter and says, "Give me a beer."

   Bartender figures what does a gorilla know? So he gives him the beer,
   but only gives him $1 in change. It's a slow night, though, so the
   bartender figures he should make some conversation. "We don't get many
   gorillas in here," he says.

   Gorilla says, "Yeah, well at $9 a beer I'm not surprised."

   The Fundamentalist Interpretation

   (Fundamentalists read the text literally. This means they adhere as
   closely as possible to the simplest, most obvious reading of its

   The talking gorilla indicates that the great apes, perhaps all beasts,
   once were able to speak. This, like the great longevity of the early
   patriarchs, seems incomprehensible to us. Yet the text says it is so,
   so therefore it is so.

   How is it that gorillas could speak? How is it that Methuselah could
   live to the ripe old age of 969? Those of you who have been attending
   our Wednesday night Bible study series, "Six Days; 6,000 Years Ago,"
   already know the answer to these questions.

   In Matthew 24:38, Jesus says that, "in the days that were before the
   flood they were eating and drinking ..." Our story is set in a bar, a
   place designated for eating and drinking, so we can conclude that it
   takes place "in the days that were before the flood."

   Please note, however, that this was not what we today understand as
   the sin of drinking. The "beer" in our text is not the alcoholic
   beverage we think of today, just as the "wine" the Bible speaks of is
   not what we think of as wine. (Drinking wine is a sin. Jesus was
   without sin. Jesus drank "wine." Therefore "wine" is not wine.) The
   "beer" the story speaks of thus was probably a nonalcoholic drink
   similar to malta.

   In the days that were before the flood, the earth was still protected
   by the great [8]vapor canopy, or "firmament" (Genesis 1:6-8, KJV only,
   of course). This canopy shielded the earth, protecting the
   grandchildren of Adam and Eve and allowing them to live much longer
   than humans can today without the benefit of its protection. Creation
   scientists have posited that another consequence of this canopy may
   have been that, um, gorillas could talk. They lost this ability of
   speech after God unleashed the canopy, creating the Great Flood.

   Public schools refuse to acknowledge that gorillas could ever speak.
   This is an example of the persecution that we face as believers.

   The Premillennial Dispensationalist Interpretation

   (Premillennial dispensationalists also consider their interpretation
   of the text to be literal, but they also believe that we must "rightly
   divide" the word of truth [see 1 Tim. 2:15]. The dispensational
   approach provides a key -- a kind of codebreaker -- for interpreting
   the text, which is explained in simple charts [9]like this one.)

   The meaning of this passage is made clear through its use of the
   number nine: 9 = 3 + 6, or three sixes, or 666. The bartender thus
   clearly represents the Antichrist, who gives this number to the
   gorilla, or Beast.

   The beer represents the alcoholic wine consumed by the apostate church
   of Rome. The $10 presented by the gorilla represents the 10 kings of
   the rebuilt Roman Empire, also represented by the 10 horns of the
   Beast described in Revelation 13:1. The apostle John, of course, would
   never have seen a gorilla firsthand and thus could not known what to
   call this Beast, but consider the description John provides in
   Revelation 13:2: "The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet
   like those of a bear [i.e., Soviet Russia] and a mouth like that of a
   lion." That sounds very much like a gorilla (or, perhaps, a gorilla in
   a leopard suit).

   Thus our text makes it clear that the Antichrist is none other than
   the Roman Pope and that his servant is [DEL: Leonid Brezhnev :DEL]
   Saddam Hussein.

   I have read that in many bars and restaurants in places like New York
   City it is not uncommon for patrons to be charged $9 for a beer. Such
   prices were unheard of before the recreation of the state of Israel in

   The signs therefore are clear: We are living in the Last Days. Even
   now, the Bartender and his servant the Gorilla are preparing for a
   one-world government and a New World Order that will mark the
   beginning of the Tribulation.

   Posted by Fred Clark on Mar 13, 2005 at 07:55 PM | [10]Permalink

#  distributed via <nettime>: no commercial use without permission
#  <nettime> is a moderated mailing list for net criticism,
#  collaborative text filtering and cultural politics of the nets
#  more info: and "info nettime-l" in the msg body
#  archive: contact: