Matthew Fuller on Mon, 23 Feb 1998 09:55:29 +0100 (MET)

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<nettime> Microsoft Buys Winter Olympics!

>>Microsoft Buys Winter Olympics!

>>NAGANO, JAPAN (DPI) - In some rather disturbing news,
software behemoth Microsoft purchased the 1998 Winter
Olympics last Friday for an undisclosed sum. Even the
athletes did not know until CEO Bill Gates stepped up to the
microphone to deliver the opening address, which was
composed entirely of ones and zeros. Lawyers for the MS
Winter Olympics said this was the right move to ensure their
world dominance in the winter sports. There is no truth to
the rumor that Mr. Gates had to dodge snowballs at the end
of his speech. CBS was paid off and told to pack up their
equipment as MSNBC took over broadcasting the events. Only
MSN on-line subscribers will get to see the finals in each

>>Several countries were upset to find out that the luge
course had been replaced by a new standard and would require
them to purchase the MSLuge 4.0 sled in order to compete.
Bobsledders faired much better by only having to buy the
MSBobsled upgrade. Owners of previous versions on Microsoft
Bob were given a discount. Speed and figure skating venues
as well as hockey games were postponed until next week while
engineers work out the design enhancements in the new
MSSkate suite of products.

>>In true fairness and spirit of the games, Microsoft has
let a competing company operate the MacSki Jump. It will be
40% narrower and 60% faster than other ski jumps. All
athletes competing on snow will be required to wear the new
MS Ski 98 Build 1650. The company maintains that it is not
responsible for falls, slips, slides, tumbles or crashes.

>>Finally, the traditional starter's pistol has been
replaced by a little white arrow clicking on a Start button
that pops up a menu, that pops up a menu, that pops up a
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