<nettime> notes on psychoneuroendocrinology, 100mg spironolactone

[lotu5 <lotu5@resist.ca>]

so lost in and inspired by myguerrilla's 
photos...[http://flickr.com/photos/myguerrilla/] thank you.

what does 100mg of spironolactone feel like?
it feels like i'm not confident about anything,
grad school, my project, my body, my choices, this.
its scary to even admit that feeling, to anyone,
scary and also dangerous, for a trans person to admit any doubt.

what combination of chemicals move what part of my body to create a
sensation of confidence?
it feels like i'm tired all the time.
i try to think about what i'm feeling,
and i think maybe i'm depressed?
i feel constantly reflective,
sensitive to every tiny movement inside myself...

"The research of Verhaeghen and colleagues shows when people are in a 
reflective mode, they may become more creative, depressed, or both. 
Previous research shows that when people are in a ruminating mode, they 
are more likely to be depressed, he said.

"If you think about stuff in your life and you start thinking about it 
again, and again, and again, and you kind of spiral away in this 
continuous rumination about what's happening to you and to the world -- 
people who do that are at risk for depression," he said. "
[http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/10/07/creativity.depression/index.html]

in Carnal Art: Orlan's Refacing by C. Jill O'Bryan, I read

"Orlan substitutes her body for language so that she performs this 
fiction as though a live signifier; shifting shape, her face does not 
literally articulate a fixed identity: "I make myself into a new image 
in order to produce new images." Derrida's term auto-affection-- a 
substitute for self-presence, that which, he claims, we can never purely 
know-- comes closest to describing human experience at this level.. 
Auto-affection is the state of giving-oneself-a-presence... Derrida 
writes: ...Hearing oneself speak is not the interiority of an inside 
that is closed in upon itself; it is the irreducible openness in the 
inside; it is the eye and the world within speech. Phenomenological 
reduction is a scene, a theater stage."

Can I write this? What does it mean to engage in this process of reflecting
on the changing chemistry in my body,
which makes me feel something else?

“Much like the paradigms installed by the discovery of endorphins, 
Being-on-drugs indicates that a structure is already in place, prior to 
the production of that materiality we call drugs, including virtual 
reality or cyberprojections.”
- Avital Ronell, Crack Wars

Finally a cloudy cold day in San Diego.
Riding my bike I'm so grateful for the cold wind.
The light is blue-grey, instead of the usual yellow pounding socal sun.
Its a bit more lke how I feel.
I'm happy to feel something,
even if it feeling a little fucked up, like Ariana's cow,
but her poems are so much better than this one.
I hear Sarah McLaughlin's Adia and feel cliche,
even though I remember crying to this song,
heartboken over that blonde girl with the sun faded neck tattoo in miami.
A friend of mine told me that her transgirl roommate would cry and cry.
I feel much more still, listening,
waiting for change, looking down at my breasts,
like a 14 year old girl,
trying to eat a lot, hoping for them to grow.
smiling in the mirror, seeing if i look cuter that way, more feminine?
maybe i'm just too fucking self-absorbed.


How do your hormones make you feel? I want to hear about it. Reply!

-- 

gpg:  0x5B77079C // encrypted email preferred
gaim/skype: djlotu5 // off the record messaging preferred


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