<nettime> Continuation of Plaint

[Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>]

Continuation of Plaint

Last night again slept badly and next week going to a neurologist about
those twitches. Woke up full of fury and wrote this behind the barricade
of absent eye. Work's illegitimate, the radio's on to Canada. Impossible
musician, haven't done music in years, playing at Tonic coming up by the
grace of someone, nails splintering, there goes the sound. Not a web
artist because not using portal pages or web pages and not a Net artist
because not using Java or Javascript and not an 'e-poet' since some of the
work hasn't words and not a video artist because it's only part of what's
done. So advertised on the film Frameworks list and no one came to the
show from it, even film and video venues don't cut it. So never have had a
film grant or writing grant or video grant or any sort of art grant (one
NEA critics grant in 1976 thanks to David Antin), and with no job and no
prospects then no monies coming in, just a little from the dance company
and even Millennium will pay although the crowd was non-existent. All the
time usual nightmares and shaking, it's the world shaking, not the first
person pronouns of the eyes which are having an increasingly difficult
time focusing but no money for glasses. This artist isn't an artist and
doesn't belong anywhere. This artist is known for job-begging and a real
lack of results. This artist is known for being too lurid, too sexual, too
complex, too difficult, too much information, too edgy, and this artist is
known for being too much a pest, too stupid, too abject, too ugly, too
angry, too demanding, too intense. This artist he complains too much and
he should be grateful for everything that's coming to him. His work is too
unethical. Makes everyone uneasy and incredibly argumentative. Can't ever
be satisfied. Doesn't realize no one is satisfied. Everyone has health
issues. Doesn't have a monopoly on depression. Nightmares either. Expects
too much from his family. Who doesn't have a father complex. Who doesn't
want to kill his father. Hir father. Her father. Every day a horror with
financial collapse just around the corner. Applies for just about every
job out there. Applies for too many jobs. Hasn't got a clue how the world
works. Pretends to know philosophy and pretends the work's important.
Produces far too much. No one can keep up. Work like sludge or some sort
of spew, garbage, trash. Frightened of his own shadow. Frightened of
everyone's. Scared so much about death can't move can't think can't talk.
Work too much exhibitionism. No one wants to know the details. A burnt out
case. Told would never reach twenty-five. Told moves too fast. Told too
impatient. Told too anti-social. Told too loud. Told too self-obsessed.
Told too narcissistic. Work short-circuits itself. Told he's not an
artist. Told he's not a painter. Told the litany of not-a-writer. Told the
litany of not-a-filmmaker. Told the litany of not-a-videomaker. Shouldn't
listen to him. Shouldn't pay any attention. Should use kill abort. Should
use delete. Treats people badly. Just turns on you for no reason. Is
irrational, too insistent. Thinks he's the only one in the world. Thinks
he's the only one alive. Has no identity. Can't belong anywhere. Doesn't
fit anywhere. Substandard. Too suicidal. Too many bad thoughts. Depression
hurting others. Can't function around him. Cries too much. Too selfish.
Too self-centered. Thinks everyone should care. Work incomplete. Work too
fragmented. Writing too aphoristic. Thinks created the wheel. Thinks he's
unique. Doesn't recognize other people. Too insecure. Thinks he's
original. Too weird. Too crazy. Too uncompromising. Too idealistic. Too
pessimistic. Too much of the time the glass half empty. Thinks he's a
radical. Thinks he's the only radical. Too worried about those brain
twitches. Far too weak. Far too neurotic. Too clumsy. Too much alone.
Needs meditation. Needs another drug. Needs an overdose. Thinks he doesn't
need anything. Too much junk food. Failed vegan. Failed vegetarian. Can't
cook for himself. Can't look after himself. Thinks his work saves him.
Thinks his work is all he's got. Thinks writing helps by virtue of writing
magic. Doesn't believe in anything spiritual. Failed materialist. Doesn't
know enough math or physics. Doesn't follow through with anything. Not
good enough for Azure. Hides behind his texts.

==========================================================================

s.
Con ion of Plain ion of Plain Con Con Con Las again slep again slep nigh
Las Las again slep o a neurologis o a neurologis o a neurologis badly and
nex badly and nex o a neurologis hose hose abou ches. Woke up full of fury
and wro e e ches. Woke up full of fury and wro wi ches. Woke up full of
fury and wro his behind eye. Work's illegi ima eye. Work's illegi his
behind he barricade of absen eye. Work's illegi he radio's on o Canada.
Impossible musician, haven' he radio's on e, e, he radio's on done music
in years, playing a he grace of someone, nails splin he grace of someone,
nails splin done music in years, playing a done music in years, playing a
Tonic coming up by ering, he sound. No he sound. No here goes ering,
ering, he sound. No because no because no because no a web ar a web ar
because no al pages or web pages and no a Ne a Ne al pages or web pages
and no using por al pages or web pages and no is because no because no is
ar is using Java or Javascrip an 'e-poe ' since some of an 'e-poe using
Java or Javascrip and no ' since some of words and no a video ar words and
no he work hasn' he work hasn' words and no is 's only par 's only par is
is because i of wha ised on ised on 's done. So adver of wha of wha ised
on o o and no one came he film Frameworks lis he film Frameworks lis o ,
even film and video venues don' cu cu , even film and video venues don' he
show from i , even film and video venues don' . So never have had a film
gran or wri or wri . So never have had a film gran i . So never have had a
film gran ing gran or any sor of ar or any sor ing gran or video gran of
ar (one NEA cri ics gran (one NEA cri gran gran (one NEA cri in 1976 o
David An o David An in 1976 in 1976 hanks in), and wi s s h no job and no
prospec in), and wi in), and wi s a li hen no monies coming in, jus hen no
monies coming in, jus he dance company and even Millennium will pay al
hough hough he dance company and even Millennium will pay al le from he
dance company and even Millennium will pay al en . All . All en he crowd
was non-exis en he mares and shaking, i 's mares and shaking, i he ime
usual nigh 's he firs he world shaking, no he world shaking, no person
pronouns of person pronouns of person pronouns of he eyes which are having
an increasingly difficul ime focusing bu is is no money for glasses. This
ar ime focusing bu ime focusing bu is is is an ar isn' isn' is belong
anywhere. This ar is is belong anywhere. This ar and doesn' belong
anywhere. This ar s. This ar is is s. This ar is known for job-begging and
a real lack of resul s. This ar is known for being oo sexual, oo complex,
oo sexual, is known for being oo lurid, oo complex, , oo much informa , oo
difficul oo difficul , ion, his ar his ar ion, ion, oo edgy, and is oo
much a pes oo much a pes is known for being is is oo much a pes upid,
upid, oo s , , upid, , oo ugly, oo ugly, oo abjec oo abjec , oo demanding,
oo in oo in oo demanding, oo angry, oo demanding, ense. This ar he
complains oo much and he should be gra he complains ense. This ar is oo
much and he should be gra hing ha hing eful for every eful for every hing
o him. His work is oo une oo une 's coming 's coming o him. His work is
hical. Makes everyone uneasy and incredibly argumen ive. Can' ive. Can' a
hical. Makes everyone uneasy and incredibly argumen hical. Makes everyone
uneasy and incredibly argumen ive. Can' realize no one is sa realize no
one is sa isfied. Doesn' ever be sa ever be sa realize no one is sa h
issues. Doesn' have a monopoly on depression. Nigh have a monopoly on
depression. Nigh isfied. Everyone has heal isfied. Everyone has heal h
issues. Doesn' her. Expec s s her. Expec mares ei her. Expec oo much from
his family. Who doesn' her complex. Who doesn' wan her complex. Who doesn'
oo much from his family. Who doesn' have a fa wan o kill his fa her. Hir
fa o kill his fa o kill his fa her. Every day a horror wi h financial
collapse jus h financial collapse jus her. Her fa her. Her fa her. Every
day a horror wi around abou abou he corner. Applies for jus around around
abou here. Applies for here. Applies for every job ou every job ou here.
Applies for go a clue how a clue how oo many jobs. Hasn' oo many jobs.
Hasn' go ends o know philosophy and pre o know philosophy and pre ends he
world works. Pre ends ends an .  Produces far an ends he work's impor .
Produces far of spew, garbage, rash. Frigh of spew, garbage, oo much. No
one can keep up. Work like sludge or some sor oo much. No one can keep up.
Work like sludge or some sor of spew, garbage, ened of everyone's. Scared
so much abou dea dea ened of his own shadow. Frigh ened of his own shadow.
Frigh ened of everyone's. Scared so much abou h can' move can' h can' h
can' hink can' alk.  Work alk.  Work hink can' hink can' alk.  Work
ionism. No one wan s s oo much exhibi oo much exhibi ionism. No one wan he
de ails. A burn ails. A burn he de o know he de ou wen y-five. Told moves
case. Told would never reach ou case. Told would never reach y-five. Told
moves . Told oo impa . Told oo fas oo fas . Told . Told oo an oo an ien
ien . Told i-social. Told oo self-obsessed.  Told oo self-obsessed.  Told
oo loud. Told i-social. Told i-social. Told oo narcissis -circui -circui
ic. Work shor oo narcissis oo narcissis -circui self. Told he's no an ar
an ar s i s i self. Told he's no . Told he's no a pain a pain . Told he's
no is . Told he's no er. Told any of no -a-wri he li er. Told he li -a-wri
he li any of no he li er. Told er. Told he li he li any of no any of no
-a-filmmaker. Told -a-filmmaker. Told he li -a-videomaker. Shouldn' en en
lis -a-videomaker. Shouldn' -a-videomaker. Shouldn' o him. Shouldn' pay
any a o him. Shouldn' o him. Shouldn' ion. Should use kill abor . Should
use dele . Should use dele en en ion. Should use kill abor s people badly.
Jus s people badly. Jus e. Trea s people badly. Jus urns on you for no
reason. Is irra oo insis en ional, urns on you for no reason. Is irra
ional, en he only one in he world. Thinks he's he only one in . Thinks
he's . Thinks he's he only one in i y. Can' i he only one alive. Has no
iden he only one alive. Has no iden i belong anywhere. Doesn' anywhere.
Subs anywhere. Subs fi belong anywhere. Doesn' belong anywhere. Doesn'
andard. Too suicidal. Too many bad s. Depression hur s. Depression hur
hough andard. Too suicidal. Too many bad andard. Too suicidal. Too many
bad s. Depression hur hers. Can' func func ing o ing o func oo much. Too
selfish.  Too self-cen ered. Thinks everyone should care. Work incomple
ered. Thinks everyone should care. Work incomple oo much. Too selfish.
Too self-cen ion around him. Cries oo much. Too selfish.  Too self-cen e.
Work ed. Wri ing oo fragmen e. Work oo fragmen ing ic. Thinks crea ed ic.
Thinks crea oo aphoris oo aphoris ic. Thinks crea recognize o her people.
Too insecure. Thinks he's original. Too weird. Too crazy. Too
uncompromising. Too idealis recognize o he wheel. Thinks he's unique.
Doesn' he wheel. Thinks he's unique. Doesn' recognize o ic. Too pessimis
he he ic. Too much of ic. Too pessimis ic. Too pessimis ime y. Thinks he's
a radical. Thinks he's y. Thinks he's a radical. Thinks he's he glass half
emp ime ime y. Thinks he's a radical. Thinks he's hose brain hose brain he
only radical. Too worried abou he only radical. Too worried abou hose
brain ches. Far oo weak. Far oo weak. Far ches. Far wi ches. Far oo neuro
a ion. Needs ano ic. Too clumsy. Too much alone.  Needs medi oo neuro ic.
Too clumsy. Too much alone.  Needs medi ion. Needs ano need any hing. Too
much junk food. Failed vegan. Failed vege need any her drug. Needs an
overdose. Thinks he doesn' her drug. Needs an overdose. Thinks he doesn'
need any cook for himself. Can' look af cook for himself. Can' arian. Can'
arian. Can' cook for himself. Can' er himself. Thinks his work saves him.
Thinks his work is all he's go ing helps by vir ing helps by vir . Thinks
wri er himself. Thinks his work saves him.  Thinks his work is all he's go
er himself. Thinks his work saves him.  Thinks his work is all he's go ue
of wri believe in any believe in any ing magic. Doesn' ue of wri ue of wri
believe in any ual. Failed ma erialis erialis hing spiri hing spiri
erialis know enough ma h or physics. Doesn' h or physics. Doesn' know
enough ma . Doesn' know enough ma follow h any hing. No hrough wi follow
hrough wi hing. No ex s.
==========================================================================
ex good enough for Azure. Hides behind his good enough for Azure. Hides
behind his ex



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