<nettime> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

[Phil Graham <phil.graham@mailbox.uq.edu.au>]

Fwd from the sysfling list --- apparently from the UK.

Phil

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your 
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we 
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over 
all states, commonwealths and other territories.  Except Utah, which she 
does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you 
who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) 
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be 
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules 
are introduced with immediate effect:

1.	You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then 
look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at 
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should raise 
your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of 
communication.  Look up "interspersed".

2.	There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on 
your behalf.

3.	You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It 
really isn't that hard.

4.	Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the 
good guys.

5.	You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", 
but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get 
confused and give up half way through.

6.	You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind of 
football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good 
game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your 
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You 
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper 
football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult 
game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby 
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for 
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like 
nancies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 
2005.

7.	You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if 
they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there 
is a world outside your borders should count ourselves lucky. The Russians 
have never been the bad guys.

"Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8.	July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new 
national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9.	All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your 
own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10.	Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opinions expressed in this email are my own unless otherwise stated.
If you have received this in error, please ignore it.
Phil Graham, Graduate School of Management
University of Queensland
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

#  distributed via <nettime>: no commercial use without permission
#  <nettime> is a moderated mailing list for net criticism,
#  collaborative text filtering and cultural politics of the nets
#  more info: majordomo@bbs.thing.net and "info nettime-l" in the msg body
#  archive: http://www.nettime.org contact: nettime@bbs.thing.net