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American People To Live Happily Everafter


26 April 2000 


WASHINGTON, DC--With the U.S. enjoying unprecedented prosperity at home and
stability abroad, President Clinton announced Monday that the Bad Times are
gone forever, and that the American people will live happily ever after.

"My loyal subjects," said Clinton, speaking from his great White House atop
a shining hill, "once upon a time, the Kingdom was beset with great
dangers, and the Bear ran amok on Wall Street, and the men from the Red
Land menaced us with their great rockets, and everyone was much afraid.
But, henceforth, I decree that all Americans will be happy and live in
comfy houses filled with plenty of good things to eat, and all mommies and
daddies will be kind and all children good, and the Wizard Greenspan shall
set loose the great Bull, and we shall all live happily forever and ever."

The Good People of America were then overjoyed and, taking President
Clinton on their shoulders, paraded him thrice about the Great White House
and gave him three cheers, for they were a very good American People
indeed, and President Clinton was a very good President indeed, and they
were very, very happy.

So they went skipping hand in hand, all the American People together (who
will never again quarrel, or say nasty things, or steal another boy's lunch
basket nor pull another girl's pigtails, or walk through the Little Red
Schoolhouse wearing trenchcoats and carrying bad, bad muskets to shoot
other children), and they skipped into the Happy Valley of all tomorrows,
where the Sun always shines, and there are always plenty of Nokia cell
phones, and gas is never more than $1.09 a gallon; and they sang as they
skipped, and they were not troubled by anything.

And it is very beautiful in the Happy Valley, according to Good Secretary
of Housing and Urban Development Andrew Cuomo, and there is a nice little
white house for everyone, and a little green lawn in front of every little
house, and every house has a magical picture box which tells the most
lovely stories. And everyone will stay in their own little white
neighborhoods, and mow their green lawns, and watch their magical picture
boxes, and they will be very happy.

And everyone will have the enchanted carriage of their dreams, and an
enchanted 401K plan for retirement, and there will be a great, delicious
feast every day, and everyone will be pretty and happy. And above them, the
great winged Dow-Bird will soar ever higher, and the power of his magical
flight will make these things happen.

No one will ever get sick and die again, and Grandma will come back from
Heaven and live with us, and all the daddies will hug the mommies again,
and men will only want to marry women, and women will only want to marry
men, and everyone will be the exact same perfect color, and no one will
have off-brand clothes or speak in strange tongues. And everyone who once
did any of those things will laugh, see how silly they were, and feel sorry
that they made everyone so upset, and behave once and for all.

And we will all live happily ever after.

The end.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3616/american_people.html


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