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[Nettime-bold] [neoism] 1st Non-Existent International Neoist Apartment Festival

A Report on the 1st Non-Existent International Neoist Apartment Festival 
in Adelaide, South Australia 
from Monday, March 20th, 000 'til Saturday, March 25th, 000 
(With additional action on Tuesday & Wednesday, April 4 & 5, 000) 

Etta Cetera & I arrived in Adelaide on Sunday, March 19th 
& were met at the airport by festival conspirators Karen Eliot & Jen. 
I never saw Jen again in connection with any neoist activities. 
A vegetarian barbecue had been proposed for later that day 
as a festival planning session but that seemed unlikely to happen 
so the main event of the day was a visit to the former Adelaide Gaol 
where the Tap 000 Theatre was scheduled to perform 
(amongst others) & where I was scheduled to UNCERTIZE 
& to screen a video version of "Bob Cobbing".  
Few, or no, VAUDIENCE members arrived, my sampler wouldn't work, 
the Tap 000 performance was cancelled, 
The Band That Couldn't Plough Straight played, 
& Etta & I were severely jet-lagged,  
but I managed to stay awake long enough to 
screen "Bob Cobbing" anyway to a not-completely rapt small group.  

Throughout this 1st day, it had become obvious that there 
was little or no interest in the long-awaited 1st Australian Neoist Festival 
that Etta & I had been planning to attend for over a year 
& that we'd travelled over halfway around the world for 
(having taken the long way via Malaysia).  
All of Karen's attempts to organize planning sessions had been 
fairly ill-attended & fruitless.  
All of Karen's phonecalls to clubs & such-like places 
to try to set up UNCERTS, SO-CALLED WHATEVERS, & such-like 
had been unreturned.  
Given these circumstances, I proposed that we dub the festival the 
worth travelling over halfway 'round the world for.  
After all, who wants to travel that far just for your ordinary, everyday 
Neoist Apartment Festival 
when you can go to the 1st NON-EXISTENT one instead?  

It was decided that the Non-Existent Festival would consist of 
SECRET MEETINGS partially publicized thru 
messages passed via SECRET HANDSHAKES.  
Thusly, the 1st Secret Meeting was arranged to begin 
at the Crown & Sceptre Pub on Monday, March 20th @ 6PM sharp.  
Etta & Karen went to the pub to find only 2 possible co-conspirators present, 
a tagger named "H" 
& Dave (who was mainly there thinking he was to fix my sampler).  
3 other people were coincidentally present for 
an environmental activists' meeting: 
Roman, Sarah, & Jeremy.  
Switching into caricature spy mode, 
Etta lured H, Dave, Roman, & Sarah along with her & Karen 
outside & to a park where I lurked awaiting them.  
When they arrived, I appeared & began a GENERIC TOUR: 
leading them towards Karen's place 
(without announcing that that was what I was doing) 
while describing the environment in generic terms that 
could be just as applicable to most other environments.  
H, D, R, & S had 'no idea' of what was happening.    
As had been prearranged, Karen rode off on a bike to arrange things at home 
- thusly removing H, D, R, & S's main tenuous connection to the tour.  
Shortly thereafter, I suddenly ran away - confusing things further.  
H, D, R, & S didn't bother to try to follow 
& Etta came after me - worried that we'd lose them.  
I returned, to find H gone.  
Presumably, without Karen's presence 
& without any simple-minded explanation, 
H became alienated &/or bored & had had enough.  
I never saw him again.  
This reinforced my opinion that most taggers can't get beyond 
the territorial pissing stage of infancy.  
With much ambiguous coaxing on my part, D, R, & S 
were finally led to Karen's where, as they entered, 
my feature-length filmstrip/VAUDEO entitled "Where We're" was 
playing on the TV.  
"Where We're" has a Generic Tour soundtrack 
so the Tour experience was moved into a different realm.  
Food (provided by Karen) & Beer (provided by Etta & myself) 
was served & it was announced that the final phase of 
the night's Secret Meeting would occur in a nearby park.  
Sarah then dropped out & I never saw her again.  
3 STEAM IRONS were FLAMED outside to initiate the final leg.  
Roman helped us carry the supplies & then he too left 
- inviting Etta & Me to join him on his 3D Community Radio Show, 
"Environments", the next night.  
The vegetarian barbecue was held in the park, the Steam Irons were Flamed anew, 
& Karen, Etta, Dave, & I held our meeting at a table.  
We all agreed that we were David A. Bannister, Monty Cantsin, Karen Eliot, 
Luther Blissett, Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, & Shakespeare (etc..).  
Various secret projects were proposed.  
Dave said that he'd always wanted to add a bust of his own choosing 
to the line of busts on North Terrace by the Government House 
where "visiting [in]dignitaries" & such-like stay.  
Given that Dave was a newcomer to this 'patanational conspiracy, 
a high priority was set for realizing his proposal.  
Dave further stated that he might have difficulty attending 
further secret meetings because of lack of transportation funds.  
Etta suggested the providing of an on-the-spot NEOIST GRANT 
to resolve the problem - which Dave refused - saying he'd manage.  
We never saw Dave again after this meeting.  
Throughout the night, Secret Messages announcing the next Secret Meeting 
were passed along via Secret Handshakes.  
These messages, handmade & written by Etta, 
called for meeting behind 3D on Wednesday, March 22nd @ 6:00PM sharp.  
After all, it's always 6:00 in Neoism?!.  

On Tuesday, March 21st, Etta & I appeared as guests 
on Roman's "Environments" Radio Show.  
I discussed media environments (or some such) 
& played excerpts from the STREET RATS' "RATical RATio - Prat 1" CD.  
Etta refused to speak.  

The plan for Wednesday's Secret Meeting had been 
for Karen to take people into a storm drain 
where Etta & I were to be waiting in a candle-lit & incense infused space  
with a portable sound system 
& with Etta as the naked & painted HUMAN SYNTHESIZER 
to be demonstrated by me 
& available for playing by all the attendees.  
However, when the day arrived, it was pouring.  
Karen, Etta, & I rode our bikes 
(Etta's & mine generously loaned to us by 101 BIKES 
- a service that fixes bikes & sells them CHEAP 
for a token price like $52 Australian) to the rendevous 
& got completely soaked.  
Etta's laborious Human Synthesizer paint-job got totally smeared.  
When we reached the stormdrain, it had maybe 6 inches of water.  
Within 10 minutes it had about 3 feet of water.  
5 Minutes later, it had rapids that were 
overflowing its vertical containing walls.  
If we had gone in earlier, we might've drowned.  
As a last-minute alternative to the stormdrain, we decided 
to have the secret meeting on the radio 
if the people at 3D would allow it.  
Karen & I went there & talked with various people 
- eventually asking for permission from the Station Manager.  
It was quite a challenge for my charm 
to explain that we were in the midst of having the 
& that our plans to have our Secret Meeting in the stormdrain 
had been foiled by the rain 
& that we wanted to have our Secret Meeting over the air 
(&, therefore, audible to the general public) as an alternative 
because we thought it was FUNNY &, uh, is that ok?  
It's to the enormous credit of the 3D personnel & their 
true COMMUNITY SPIRIT that they were amenable to the idea 
& @ 6:00PM (when else?) we began the 2nd Secret Meeting broadcast 
as a part of the show hosted by Hannah called something like "Drive-Time" 
& aimed at people driving home from work.  
Hannah was completely bemused & thoroughly friendly & cooperative 
as I played sound effects from my PLAYER-BELT, 
played the HUMAN SYNTHESIZER, discussed the 
& our plans & details for the 3rd Secret Meeting to be convened 
the next day (Thursday, March 22nd) @ double 6:00 
(more commonly known as "noon") 
in front of the Church of Scientology on Waymouth Street, 
exchanged Secret Handshake Messages, 
& interviewed the attendees that Karen led to the studio window 
(since station rules didn't allow them to enter the building).  
Karen played didjeridoo, Rick (as the representative of Pope Fred) 
spoke in ways determined by text on prepared cards 
(such as categories like "dogmatic statement"), 
Bird-E appeared & got slotted into the role of ANTI-NEOIST, 
Roman said a few words, & a woman happened by 
who may've refused to speak.  
After the radio show ended, we moved to a nearby pub (minus Hannah)  
where further conspirings & speeches occurred.  

In the Secret Handshake Message for the 3rd Secret Meeting 
we had encouraged potential attendees to:  
"Come celebrate further the Triumph of the Anti-Neoists!"  
The hand-outs each had a BLACK RECTANGLE OVER THE EYE 
rubber-stamping & a 
rubber-stamping on them.  
SO, on Thursday, March 23rd, 
Rick, Karen, & I entered the Church of Scientology building to 
ascend to the 3rd floor where Karen's studio was 
(unrelated to the Church) 
after giving up on anyone else's potential arrival.  
Etta was mad at me & was staying away 
- after having dropped off the plaster strips supplies 
that we intended to use to make the composite bust mold  
of the UNKNOWN NEOIST with.  
The bottom of Rick's face was used for molding 
& he was rendered incapable of speaking as a result.  
While we waited for his plaster strips to dry, 
I read excerpts from L. Ron Hubbard's idiotic book "ART".    
The most difficult part for Rick was refraining from laughing 
&, therefore, damaging the mold.  
After Rick, my right ear & the top of my head 
(covered by a shower-cap with a plastic frog toy in it) 
were used for molding.  
While I waited for the plaster to dry, I was VAUDEOED by Karen 
leaving the Church of Scientology building mysteriously swathed.  
This attracted the attention of the Scientologists 
who nervously asked us what we were doing.  
Karen was next.  S/He had his/her eyes plastered over 
& was then led out to the busy corner of Waymouth & King William Street 
to be Vaudeoed blindly handing out the slick, glossy, full-color 
"Quit your job!" pamphlet that had been prepared 
by her/him in preparation for this festival.  
Rick & Etta (who had eventually come along) 
instructed Karen as to which way to turn in order to thrust the pamphlets 
toward the passersby (who were usually loath to take them).  
Karen held a clock indicating that it was 6:00 
& a confused & slightly drunk man stared at it & asked Etta 
what time it was.  
She, naturally, replied "6:00" & he told her that she 
couldn't tell time & that it was obviously something closer to 4:00.  
Then he asked ME what time it was & I said "6:00" too 
- further annoying him.  
Returning again to the studio, Etta's left ear & the back of her neck 
were molded as the final composite bust part.  
As usual Secret Handshake Messages were exchanged: 
"Anti-Neoist Rally 
Down with the "Quit your job" leafletters!".  
These were rubber stamped with: 
"Work Will Make You Free Trade".    

The instruction had been to 
"Meet at the north side of the fountain in 
Victoria Square @ 1:00PM Friday March 23rd"  
Readers were further informed that 
"It's Always 1 O'Clock in Anti-Neoism."  
Somewhat to my surprise, there were 2 new Anti-Neoists awaiting: 
John & Ebony - in addition to Rick & Bird-E &, of course, 
Etta & myself: as the Anti-Neoists 
- with Karen as that dagnabbed Neoist attempting to hand out leaflets.  
Bird-E had a banner that read "Contemporary Culture is Fantastic"  
& Etta & I brought cardboard signs that read
"Karen Eliot is a Front Covering Monty Cantsin's Back" 
(when I'd chant from this I'd usually add: 
"& Luther Blissett's Behind It All!"),  
"Neoists are Worse than Multi-National Corporations",  
"Stop Neoists from Pissing in Your Gene Pool", etc..  
Walking on the King William St sidewalk, 
we passed thru dense groups of pedestrians 
while Karen attempted to give out the "Quit your job"s.  
The Anti-Neoists harangued everyone around with things like 
"Don't take the pamphlet!  Neoism is evil!" 
& if people asked what Neoism was, I said things like 
"Neoism's against everything you stand for!" 
- keeping everything vaguely tautological to try to maintain a 
purist propagandistic emotionally charged but otherwise empty stance.  
The result of this reverse psychology was that many more people than usual 
took the pamphlets & I even saw people sitting around 
reading them to each other in apparent wonder.  
Whenever anyone wouldn't take them, I loudly lauded them 
for being an Anti-Neoist.  
The idea of "It's Always 1 O'Clock in Anti-Neoism."  
was developed into the idea of working straight thru 
without a lunchbreak & workers were encouraged to do so 
Chants contrary to the usual 'leftist' ones were created - like:  
"More Cars, Less Bikes", "Bring Back the Vietnam War", 
&, Etta's personal favorite, "Everything's OK!".  
Ardent attempts to convert people to Anti-Neoism were made.  
One man approached Etta with a "Quit.." pamphlet & 
said something like: 
"People shouldn't quit their jobs!  They should get jobs & join society!"  
- to which she replied: 
"That's what we think too!  It's that Neoist over there who's against us!".  
John kept rhetorically asking: "Would you like fries with that?".  
Finally, we reached the steps of Adelaide's Parliament 
where the Anti-Neoists mounted their/our signs 
& continued to harrass Karen.  
When s/he ran out of pamphlets s/he continued to hand out 
with the "Unknown Neoist for Lord Mayor" posters 
that Etta & I had made & which had been sporadically 
posted & given away in the preceeding days.  
A policeman came & recognized Rick from a previous demonstration.  
They had a friendly chat & I approached the officer 
& thanked him for coming & told him that we needed more 
of his kind on the Anti-Neoist side 
& begged him to bring more police along with him the next time.  
He received this all in good humor 
& left saying that if we had any trouble with any other police 
that we should come to him & he'd smooth it out.  
The Secret Handshake Message for the day had the following:  
"Down With the Down-Under Neoists!  
Crash Their 5th Secret Meeting 
of Their Stupid 1st Non-Existent 
International Neoist Apartment festival in the Year Zero Zero Zero 
@ Victoria Square @ 1:00PM Saturday March 25th 
& Show Them What's What!".  

What wasn't mentioned in the above was that 
this was the starting point of Adelaide's 1st "Reclaim the Streets" 
(although at least 1 similar event had previously occurred) 
which was also being coorganized by Karen Eliot. 
At the "Reclaim.." the final Secret Handshake Message read: 
"Due to Hostile Pressures put upon 
Neoists by Anti-Neoists 
all further Secret Meetings 
of the 1st Non-Existent International Neoist 
Apartment Festival 
will be postponded 'til further notice."  
This also had the 6 O'Clock symbol on the left 
& the 1 O'Clock symbol on the right.  
I had both of these symbols painted on my forehead 
in the same positions.  
In at least 1 of the evening tv 'news' reports 
the 6 O'Clock symbol was clearly visible on my head 
as I stood behind 1 of the cops who tried to stop 
the "Reclaim.." (unsuccessfully).  
Bird-E gave me a typed piece of paper that had been given to him 
by someone connected to the guy who'd written it 
who doesn't have computer access & who rarely leaves his room.  
This paper was written as if it were from a government 
secret police agency alerting other branches 
to the presence of the Neoists & the Anti-Neoists 
& to their/our strategies of self-opposition 
& proposed a cooptation tactic involving the forming of 
yet another group.  
This was articulately written & clearly furthering 
the spirit of what we were doing.  
I put it in my pants' back pocket & later accidentally 
washed the pants & destroyed it.  
The moral obviously being "Never Wash Your Clothes."  

Etta & I left that day to visit the 
"Keepers of Lake Eyre" Anti-Uranium Mining Camp 
in the outback.  
We returned to Adelaide on Saturday, April Fool's Day.  
On Tuesday, April 4th, we assembled the Unknown Neoist Bust Mold 
sections & began to pour the hydrostone & plaster cast.  
This continued on Wednesday, April 5th, 
& Karen, Robyn, Etta, & I took the bust to 
its intended new home along the North Terrace road 
by the Government House walls & dug a hole in the ground near 
the busy sidewalk/bus-stop where we planted it atop its post.  
A laminated text panel underneath 'explained' it.  
I played sound effects with the player belt, 
we flamed steam irons & read the text aloud.  
People stopped & watched us & read the text 
& asked us questions.  When we were done, 
we drove around the block & vaudeoed 
the strip of busts culminating in our own.  
As we passed a guy reading the panel, 
I shouted out: 
"Neoism's a town with a population of 12 with a bar in it!" 
(my new favorite definition of Neoism 
- inspired by having visited the town of William Creek 
between Lake Eyre & Coober Pedy in the outback).  
The man turned around & looked at us thoroughly perplexed 
& we drove off.        


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